|Exploring my current home country- my love for forest lined, temperate beaches continues (I am sorry SE Asia, but the sun...)|
I think almost any question about life- what should I do? where should I go? why pick this over that, or do this other thing? if I obsess enough, will I come to the perfect right answer?- can be brushed aside with the following quote:
"... nothing in the world can one imagine beforehand, not the least thing. Everything is made up of so many unique particulars that cannot be foreseen."- Rainer Maria Rilke
Tonight, in my Swedish immersion lesson, my Swedish teacher asked me how I chose to move to Sweden. I laughed, a spontaneous burst of "oh, honey, no" tinged sound, and repeated back his sentence- how did I choose to move to Sweden? I never really did- I simply ended up here on accident and now, after a year and a half, I can have full conversations in Swedish with my teacher and tell him how I got here: I was traveling, aimlessly, without a plan, and met a person who would become my future co-worker in a hostel in Bosnia. Why was I at that hostel in Bosnia? Because I was reuniting with the friend with whom I had worked two years earlier in Albania, and she was now living in Montenegro, and her vacation happened to coincide with the travel plans of two friends I had met in Laos, after leaving Albania.
Life is absolutely insane. People say things happen for a reason. There is no reason. Fantastically unpredictable things happen, awful tragedy and pulsing joy and unexpected challenges and unearned luck and privilege, and then you respond to those things as best you can. This goes on every day of your life until your life is over. The best advice I was given to assuage my perfectionist, anxiety riddled need for certainty was that there is no "should do" when one is vacillating between several perfectly good options, or making a decision with little information to go one. You just make your choice, do your best, and work with what happens.
I just had an hour long conversation in a language I never wanted to learn in a country I never planned on visiting, let alone living in. What an absolute joy it is to have absolutely no clue where you will end up when you start something.