Monday, October 21, 2013

Bookends for the Beginning

“I want so much that is not here and do not know where to go.” - Charles Bukowski

That's not quite right, but it's close. The desperately vague sentiment of that quote is about as specific as I can get right now. I spent all day today with a wanting that was so tangible it was as if it were a strange person sitting too near for comfort. 

I want so much. That's all. No definitions, no clarifications needed. That's it- I want so much.

More than not knowing where to go, though, is the creeping certainty that wherever I would try to go, I would not be welcome; it wouldn't be an escape. Not really. I'd just show up with Want So Much and there'd be no place for either of us. 

I definitely wouldn't let MeandmyMind sleep on my couch if MeandmyMind showed up at my front door right now.

There is no where to go. I have to stay here. Literally and figuratively. The wanting? I think there's something under it I need to dig out. 

I'll find it.

"Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests.
    I'll dig with it." 
- Seamus Heaney


  1. You've always been so strong. Now is no different. Though weighted and listless, you will figure it out and you will succeed. You were meant for great things. No one can stop that destiny.

  2. Remember that conversation we had at Piazza with Malwine last year. The fact that we were all at different point in our lives, but wanting the same exact thing. This post reminds me of that. We will never find IT precisely, but if we keep digging we may find fragments of IT to make our lives worthwhile, or we will at least find something worth searching for.

  3. I'm lucky to have you guys in my life. Even if we're scattered all over the globe at the moment. xo