“I want so much that is not here and do not know where to go.” - Charles Bukowski
That's not quite right, but it's close. The desperately vague sentiment of that quote is about as specific as I can get right now. I spent all day today with a wanting that was so tangible it was as if it were a strange person sitting too near for comfort.
I want so much. That's all. No definitions, no clarifications needed. That's it- I want so much.
More than not knowing where to go, though, is the creeping certainty that wherever I would try to go, I would not be welcome; it wouldn't be an escape. Not really. I'd just show up with Want So Much and there'd be no place for either of us.
|I definitely wouldn't let MeandmyMind sleep on my couch if MeandmyMind showed up at my front door right now.|
There is no where to go. I have to stay here. Literally and figuratively. The wanting? I think there's something under it I need to dig out.
I'll find it.
"Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests.
I'll dig with it."
- Seamus Heaney